"It
is the LORD who goes before you.
He will be with you; he will not leave you or
forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed."
(Deuteronomy 31:8)
[Note: Most of this post was written in February 2016]
As I was watching the dawn creep in from the southeast, I was reminded of another day in February, 15 years ago, when I was stuck in rush-hour traffic on the way home from a job interview on the north side of Dallas, a good 90 minutes’ drive in light traffic. I was at a standstill, so I rolled down my window to watch the last light of the sun disappearing below the horizon on an evening with the same conditions as this morning. As I sat there, waiting, I kept asking myself What are you doing?!
In mid-January 2001 I received my last active duty paycheck from the Navy. The transition from the military to the civilian world was exponentially more traumatic than the other way around. My job search was taxing, increasing my level of despondence with every rejection (why wouldn't a company want to hire a bilingual, college-educated vet with a security clearance, supervisory, management, and real-world experience?!). That particular evening I was sitting there on the highway in a suit and tie, wife and two elementary-age daughters still a good hour away. I had undergone a second interview with the now-defunct Dallas Semiconductor for a position as a shift supervisor in an industry I knew virtually nothing about. But I was desperate. By mid-summer I would be in a full-blown panic, angry at the very God who promised to take care of me and my family.
Things went from bad to worse from that February evening as spring turned to summer. I borrowed money from more than one relative to keep us afloat. In a final act of desperation I arranged a job interview with the National Security Agency in Maryland (where we were before I retired from the Navy) feeling certain I’d be hired, which would mean packing up, selling our house, and returning north...permanently. After two days of interviews and tests, I was offered a position that would more than adequately provide for our financial needs. But the thought of moving again was depressing. I could not understand God's plan for me—for my family!
As I was packing my suitcase for the return trip from Baltimore, my phone rang. It was the principal of a high school in the neighboring town down in Texas who heard that I was looking for a teaching position (public education was one of the many avenues through which I hoped to find gainful employment). This call was a total surprise (with a back story that has God's fingerprints all over it—a tale for another time maybe). He asked me if I could come in for an interview that morning; I told him I was in a hotel room 1,200 miles away, but could come in that same afternoon... He agreed, so I showed up at the school in 100° heat, sweating profusely in a suit and tie...
While on the flight to Texas I tried so hard to get God's take on all of this—the Maryland job offer and this seemingly 11th hour phone call. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I felt so guilty for having shaken an angry fist at God, for the feelings of helplessness that caused me to breakdown in front of my wife, for letting my panic overcome my faith. So I figured I would get another "we'll be in touch" after meeting with the principal, then we'd be back in Maryland before summer's end. Instead, I left the school with a classroom key and an assurance that a contract would be in my mailbox within five days (it was). In August I went to work as a humble and very grateful English as a Second Language teacher. I also spent a few months working at a liquor store to supplement my first-year teacher pay, a part-time job that would eventually lead to full-time church work (yet another tale for another time). (It turned out that because I am a veteran, the government paid not only for my certification, but I was at a school that met the free and reduced lunch percentage for a stipend by a fraction, so I received an incentive check each December for the first three years.)
It's seems silly now to think that, 15 years ago, I really believed that out of His 7 billion children roaming this Earth, God chose me to persecute and oppress like Job (see Job 3)! My pity, despair, and anger nearly choked the life out of my faith, saved, thankfully, by a vigilant, much wiser, and benevolent God who sometimes sees fit to drive us to our knees, to lovingly recalibrate us and clear our vision to see what is now, not what was or what we think will be. As I look back over the years, our daughters never went hungry, always had a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs, and they have always been part of an extended loving family that helped us unquestioningly when I thought we might lose our house.
As I looked out at the dawn's early light this morning in the parking lot, I remembered.
I remembered that God has never once abandoned me or my family, that the God revealed to us in Christ has a perfect record of keeping His promises. I remembered that my face-off with God (both wholly and holy one-sided, in retrospect), while exhausting, left me with a stronger faith and deeper resolve to never doubt Him again—that He would provide for me and my family, giving us daily what we need (not what we want). I remembered that, no matter what happens, through faith the story has a happy ending...by God's Grace.
Until next month…
Peace be with
you all,
Pastor E.B.
